The Mask

The laughter of hers isn't as happy as it seen.

The smile on her face isn't as real as it is.

The reflection of hers in the mirror is getting vague.

As if her herself can't even tell that who she is. 

The mask had it all covered.

She shields herself against the confusion and bitterness;

Against all the negativity;

Forcing laughter faking smiles. 

Depression killing from inside out, 

Leaving her lives in regrets.

The hardest part of life is before she met him; 

The toughest part was when she knew she had to leave.

A million words wouldn't bring him back to her,

She knows because she has tried; 

Neither would A million tears, 

She knows because she has cried.

True feelings never been shown.

The mask had it all covered.

Shut down the past and step out for yourself, 

 You never know what's waiting for you out there. 

As If He Never Existed

I've been thinking what to say to him if I happened to run into him one day. Send him my regards? Say Hi to him? Or just walk away like nobody cares? I have all these thoughts in my mind but when the time came, my mind went blank.

As I wished. I bumped into him in a mall. Unexpectedly, I still able to recognize him from the first sight. I saw him making payment in a bakery house and I dare not to walk to him. I was shivering. All I can do was to grab my friend's hand tight. I wanted so much to meet him and talk to him but my foots just won't allow me to do so. I stood at the corner and peeped at him. YES, peeping at my biological father. *pathetic*

We all changed. I am no longer the little girl that in his mind. He looked old with his baggy attire. I followed him from behind trying to spend as many time as I could to look at his face. The face that I've been missing for 12 years. I stopped my step besides him pretending as I'm talking in the phone. He walked passed me. I can tell that he can sense someone spying on him. My eyes were on him all the time, afraid that I'll lost his trail. For once or twice, his eyes  met mine but I just looked away. Selene encouraged me to confront him, to say hi or whatever. I was in dilemma. I was still not ready to take this. He disappeared in the crowd the moment that I decided to pass him a note. I walked out to search for him but he was gone. He's again out from my sight, FOREVER. I felt heartache. What hurt the most was, he can't recognize me even I'm standing right in front of him. How dramatic is my life. Can anyone ever tell how it feels like? Hmm..I doubt that.

Everything feels like a dream. Life gets back to normal ever since he disappeared. As if he never existed. Stirring emotions. :'(

All I wanted to say to him was,

"Hi, it's really nice to see you here. Take care.
                                                          Your little girl"
                                                                 

If Time Could Flow Backwards..

My life is pretty simple before you walked into it.

I wish I could go back to the day I first met you and just walk away.

Because honestly, it would've saved me so much hurt and pain.

It really sucks when the only person that can make you feel better is also the reason why you can't stop crying.

I wish memories were like photos, so I could delete the bad ones and save the good ones.

I don't blame you for disappointing me,

I blame myself for expecting too much from you.

And for now, 

the only way for me to go on is to look forward. 

"You can look back, but never try to turn back."

The Month Of August

Dear Diary,

Just realized that I haven't been posting any entry in the month of August. Sorry for being such a lazy bug.
My life was filled with tears and happiness last August.
Made some new friends and went for few trips with my BFF, WML & Psymasslo.
Ohya, not to forget there are 3 new members being added into WML.

WELCOME TO WORLD MASS LO DUDES!

Thanks for being here with me and bring me in happiness and laughter during the downturn of my life.
Thanks for being there to support me when I was being washed by tears of sadness.
I used to be a pretender, a very good pretender.
I've no idea why I'll let the weakest part of me shown infront of these people.
But I can feel that these are the people that I can rely on. People that can wash away my sadness. :)

Except the part that I got food poisoning, the overall trip to Kuching was awesome.
Kuching is a beautiful place with nice food and funny people around. Would definitely pay there a 2nd visit in the future.

Gonna say HI to study life in no time. That brings the full stop to my semester break.

September, A Better Month Ahead- hopefully. :)

The Excitement

Dear diary,

It's been quite a long time ever since the last update of my blog. Been really busy with the shooting stuff and production project for the past few weeks. This semester will come to an end after another week. There are so many plans waiting for me the day after that. Cherating trip with my bff and also Kuching trip with the newly formed group WML. Just to mention a lil about WML, the members are a bunch of crazy and funny people. We did a very random and last minute decision last night about booking the flight to Kuching for a 5D4N trip. That was insane!

     I LOVE THEIR CRAZINESS!

They already started to plan for the trip. Thanks to the event organizer Mr.JT. He's been paying a lot of hard works for the trip. Everyone is excited and so am I. But the excitement isn't the same as how I felt before. Prove me wrong please. Prove it to me that i still can find the 'excitement' without him in there. I know I will, right WML? Sigh, I felt lost sometimes thinking about him and my mood can be greatly affected by some minor little things related to him.

Remember few days back my bestie fooled me by showing me a latest pic of him in her i phone. I got shocked when she hand over me her phone and automatically, I threw the phone away the second I saw the pic. and tears shedding from my eyes uncontrollably. She found herself guilty and tried to comfort me. That was the first time I had such a response. I never knew that I will have such formidable response, not until the moment the tears begin to shed. I've no idea how I felt for him right now. If someone were to ask me about this guy, I'd say he's no longer the big thing that bothers me anymore. But why do I care so much bout things related to him. Now I'm confused. :S


"Fate determines who enters your life but your actions decide who stays." 



Well said. But can one really decide who to stay and who to leave as his/her will? Well, that will be hard.
Aren't you agree with me?  

Lost

Dear diary,

It's 6am in the morning now and I'm still wide awake.
Insomnia has been a really close friend of mine lately.
I've been really stressed-out these days,
having all kinds of stirring emotions which I do not know how to deal with.
Was in dilemma few weeks back, deciding on my career pathway for the year end internship.
Time flies.
Back to old days, there were so little things to be worried.
The only responsibility is to study and score for good results. Nothing else other than that.
But now, thing has changed and many times we are being restricted from doing things that we want to.
I'm so afraid to accept the truth that I'm growing into an adult now. A REAL ADULT.
Very soon, I'll finish my degree and after that, it would be the time for me to start the next chapter of my life.
YES, A BRAND NEW CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. :)

I'll have to involve myself in the working industry in no time.
I can feel the fear deep down myself. Why on earth do I have these kinds of weird feelings?
Bubbles fill my head. Maybe that's a stage where everyone has to go through eventually.
But right here right now, I can only tell that I'm LOST.
I've no idea what I want to be or how my future gonna be.
I used to tell myself that I want to be a capable career woman, a miss independent.
Well, it's always easier said than done.
Right now, I'm clueless.
*heaving a big sigh*

Alright, should probably go crash now. Sweet dream young lady.

A piece of advice to myself:

"Take every step carefully and discreetly. 

 That might lead you to who you are in the future."

Unpredictable.

Can you plan for your life & follow according to what you want?
Can you try not to go through all the pains?
Can you not to feel sad when you do not want to?
Can you erase those memories that you do not want them to be in your mind?
Can you undo things that you've done?
Can you try not to think of someone when you're missing him badly?


What if you can plan for your life? Will you want it to be like how it is now?
What if you can choose not to go through all the pains? Will you just ignore it or let it be the way it is?
What if you can never feel sad/pain in anything? Will you feel complete in that way? Complete as in a human?
What if you have the choice to erase those unpleasent memories that you do not want to remember? Will you just erase it & live like a person without the past?
What if you can undo the past? Will you try to fix things right or you prefer how the way it is now?
What if you can choose not to think of someone that you love. Will you let him/her go? Just like he/she never existed?

Life is unpredictable.

You wouldn't know what would happen next.
You wouldn't know who will come into your life putting you in pain and agony or bring in happiness to you.
You wouldn't know when your loved ones gonna leave you.
You wouldn't know if he/she is the one you'd fall for, your destiny soulmate.
You wouldn't know if you'll be still alive everytime whenn you close your eyes.
You wouldn't know what that you've done is right or wrong until time proves it to you.

Life can be beautiful and it can be miserable too. It varies from different people's perspective.
Live a better life.
Treaure the people around you.
These are the people who you can share your happiness and sadness with.
Do not look back. What's done is done.
Look into your future. You have way long to live.
Do not always place yourself in the dead corner.
Look up and you'll find things are way beutiful than you ever imagined.
Stop persisting things blindly and set yourself free.
Try to let things go. Things that are not belong to you. (friendship, relationship & whatever you can name it).

Life can be more happy or interesting than the way it is now.
Make your choice and live a better one.
You deserved better. <3